so as i sit here, reading posts by Adrienne and thinking how pathetic she is being, am i being any better. yes i saw a dead rodent on my floor that has been causing me problems for a very long time and destroying my house. by sitting captive in my room and not doing anything im just as lame. but i am trying to get over it and not post it all over facebook as much. we all go through crappy relationships and crappy moments in life but if we are able to get over it and move on and then take what we have learned and be a stronger better person, then we have achieved what God would have us. but plastering our problems all over facebook is dumb and doesn't help anyone out. it just causes more problems for us and makes us feel silly. we need to get out and be pro active and do something damn it

dad

i feel terriable i never remember anyones birthdays anymore. i was talking to whitney when she reminded me that today was days birthday i called him up and he just soudned so extcited to have his kid call. sometimes i just feel like im  a disappointment becasue im doing waht i want and not what they want. i want to travel the world and be righ tin the middle of the danger or problems i wanna help epople get out of them. i want to learn to love all people. but dad is always reliastic and worried about safety and reality. he said that im dreaming which means im attemtping to do something which is good. he quit dreaming when he got stuck with his teachign job and was saying how next yuear he would do it all agian. summer comes nad goes and so does the year. he just doen'st sound like he has much to cara bout these days. he was so excited when he got his calling nad mom could care less jsut saying its happened before, shes doesn't even seem to care. i just don't feel like i have stabble parents to turn to

mums

so lately i have been feeling really down about how i look and that im carrying a little extra weight around on my stomach, well tonight it finally caught up to me and i just couldn't take it, so i called mom and cried my eyes out and told her i just felt like a fat cow, i can't help but look over pictures and obsessed with my stomach. i just feel bad that i work out my legs a lot and ride my bike everywhere but still have a puge it kills me. but mom said that i was the most photogentic and that i looked pretty. that satan is putting these thoughts in my head and making me feel worthless that hes trying his hardest to bring me down to his misery. this could just be a chance for me to receive blessings but i must over come something to know that i can do anything with the Lords help.mom was telling me how she never wanted to lose a child and she lost Lizzy and how she never wanted to raise kids on her own when dad got sick when i was about 10, when princess di died. but God gave them a chance to receive  blessings and know that they could over come their obstacles and make things happen. that people dont know how to take my hipper self and sometimes feel intimated or jealous and don't ever see the self conscious side and know that i have doubts and worries just like anyone else. Mom also said that its symbolic how i stand out, that my spirit also will and does stand out and the lord has great things planned for me, that i just need to be worthy and doing the preparation needed so that when the time comes i can receive the blessings. i am meant to do great things i just need to be ready to go when the lord calls. this just isn't the time in my life when i suppose to find that someone. that i need to do my schooling and concentrate on what makes me happy and do and finish what i can.

i talked to Ethan earlier he was so funny running around screaming he was taking a poop when i called ahah. Seth said he was so excited that he peed at church he was telling people about it, ahha, hi sarah, in this quiet little voice comes after he gets in trouble for being so loud. ahah. i love that precious little boy hes so intelligent. he asked where i was, he wanted to come and see me, i told him i was in the ocean so he wanted to go swimming im gonna hop on a plane and come see you ahaa, hes so sweet, little Ella too. i asked him to make noises of animals and he kept just saying no, aaha  and then that he was a tunnel. so cute, i love that kid . i told him i was going to call him back and hes like bye sarah. he loves it i love you. aha i love talking to him hes so smart i can't wait to see him again training baby Ella.

good golly

sometimes life will give you situations you dont want to deal with, things that you hope will never come up, well that happened to me just now. there are going to be certain situations that you just have to nip in the butt for everyones sake. i just had to tell my roommates that their behavior just wouldn't fly and tried to come to them as a friend rather than a mother. i don't think i came off that well and in fact i think they may lose a little liking for me but in the end i feel better and the situation will hopefully be taken care of. i can't be anyones mother out here but my own, and i can't offer help where its not wanted but i just need to try and do the best i can and be a good example. i need to slow down in life sometimes and just relax. not be so quick to take offense like everyone else.

thoughts

too mas, there is too much greed and waste in the world for me today. i was thinking the other day about when i pass on am i going to be able to let go of my earthly things and be prepared for the world to come. i think of gramps being worried about what would become of this mechanisms. i dont wanna be held down by the weight of my money or greed. i want to fly free and go to the top. i want things that i can pass on and cherish for ever, not something that will last for a few years and then is thrown out and replaced. i just have a lot weighing on my mind and i realize i have too much, i want to give to others what they need from what i have. i want to travel and trade and be a part of something bigger than myself. i find myself getting more involved with whats happening around me and loving it, its so much fun to participate in activities and get to know my fellow students. i really like it. i think its silly that the family wants all this stuff from hawaii. why dont we just save money and they can come out and see it themselves. i fear to buy them anything because i dont feel like anyone really appreciates what i buy for them anymore.

i can't remember if i posted about how the lord has  blessed me with numerous things. first off getting that huge chunk of change back and getting all of my schooling paid and taken care of. i have money to buy food and pay rent. paying tithing is a  blessing. i have been blessed more since i got set apart to my calling as an fhe coordinator. i love it so much its such a wonderful chance for me to come out of my shell and get to plan all these fun things for my fellow students. i love it dearly. i have been blessed with patient teachers that are willing to work with me and help me understand the concept. i just need to be willing to put in the time they are and give back. i am working a little better on balancing my time and using it wisely. but sometimes i get so caught up in what im doing i forget to get much done. but i am so close to being done and the weeks go by so quickly that i can't afford to slack off any. i have so many fun thigns i wanna do before i go home, i really shoudn't have planned my ticket so far ahead but alas all should be fine. im so blessed to be able to work at the culture event and be near the prophet. ive never had this kinda of experience and im super excited, but i dont think ive really done a whole lot to prepare and im ashmed. i sometimes get so lost in being a failure i can't pull my self out to get things done.

wow so my roommate who never cleans anything just asked me to clean something becasue our kitchen is a mess. really you think so, thats why i find cockroaches in there every night. good to know, i just thought this is how it came. hmm yeah who is the one that when i first moved in here i started cleaning out the cupboards late at night when i couldn't sleep. who is the only person to sweep that floor and clean it. who is the only one who ever wipes the counters or bleaches the sink.....not her. man that really annoys me. dude i clean the whole house all the time. since i have lived here i have only seen here do dished maybe 4 times ever. man. lame she should really take some of her own adivice and clean up after her self. try cleaning the couches, sweeping the floor scrubbing the shower. please be my guest