happy yet disappointed in life

is it possible that you can be happy for your friends to have a bf or gf, but yet be upset because you realize that you lose value to them as a friend. now that they have some one special they no longer really wanna spend time with anyone else. i think its great that they are that much closer to getting married, but do you really have to forget about your friends. i suppose that if you have friends like that, who will no longer keep tabs with you because they find someone else you should get new ones, but its so hard to keep people around these days. i am a difficult person and i can only be taken in like baby bits. its sad to think but true, i guess i realize who i am and am really not willing to change it. i realized on my lovely walk home that i smelled a wif of kansas so sweet that it brought tears to my eyes. im grateful to not want to spend my weekends getting drunk and being loud that the cops have to come and ask us to leave, although it would be fun to be wild i think its better that i just do my simple thing now. i long for that moment when i have someone who wants to ask my to a dance even if it is just a friend. i long for the day when some one asks me to something because they enjoy my company. i realized that i have only been on about 3 dates. two of which really meant nothing the third one was fun but weird and a little intense. i wish to be back in kansas just taking my walks with my boys and go back to the way things  were. but it will never be the same. i wish for what i had, how heart broken i am knowing that i will never talk to some of these people again.

should i

its rather a silly thought, but truth be told i feel a little left out when i ask one of my friends to do something but she already has plans and then i find out one of my other friends got to go with them and i didn't. should  i feel weird or upset, no its silly and childish. its so odd how certain ppl myself included will react to circumstances we are not really prepared for. its just not something that i would like tot think, that while im trying to include new people to have fun and have a great time are going around having one without me, and not inviting me. i sometimes feel that i am too much for people to even want to be friends with me. which in truth is just poor judgment on my part of my actions. i need to make a vow to do what i say and say what i do and then act upon it. the last thing anyone wants is someone doubting their word, when indeed i can keep secrets and will always come through if needed. i hate making promises that i am unsure if i can keep. God keeps his word so why can't i try and be more like him. the most important thing anyone can remember is to stay in context. if the subject that is  a little iffy to the other person is not brought up by them don't bring it up. big mistake i think just because it has been mentioned once its far game when this is not so. i need to learn to keep things in the right situation and know no two people really think a like.

my thoughts on birthdays

while i have not been a big fan of my birthdays these part few years, i love to celebrate other peoples. i think its so fun and exciting. what some people do for birthdays. its always interesting to see what young adults or kids will do for their birthdays away from home and if they ever tell anyone about it. i personal don't mention it a whole lot, but i know i am a little upset when i miss someone Else's because they never said a word.  Even if all i can offer is a simple hand made card or a birthday wish. i love to make cakes and attend party's for other people in their honor, on their special day. i think i have it glued in my mind that everyone deserves a surprise birthday party, it could be that child hood memory of wanting to throw one for a friend or being told that i would get one. or it could be the fact that in high school i wanted to throw one for a boyfriend but i didn't feel comfortable doing and in turn did it for a good friend. well the boyfriend was cruel and did not approve of this and let me know it. he told me i couldn't have it at my house so we did it else where, and guess what he wasn't invited. i have no idea why anyone thinks i need permission to do what pleases me. how silly. well whatever it is i find my self preparing for a party this Friday. i am very excited and hope all plans for his party fall through. not to say crash but fall into place and that he has no clue. if for no other reason in the world do i have the need for money its now, i wish i could buy a huge pinate or rent a boat or something cool and amazing but i can't so instead i will use my crazy imagination and make something from scratch.