thoughts

too mas, there is too much greed and waste in the world for me today. i was thinking the other day about when i pass on am i going to be able to let go of my earthly things and be prepared for the world to come. i think of gramps being worried about what would become of this mechanisms. i dont wanna be held down by the weight of my money or greed. i want to fly free and go to the top. i want things that i can pass on and cherish for ever, not something that will last for a few years and then is thrown out and replaced. i just have a lot weighing on my mind and i realize i have too much, i want to give to others what they need from what i have. i want to travel and trade and be a part of something bigger than myself. i find myself getting more involved with whats happening around me and loving it, its so much fun to participate in activities and get to know my fellow students. i really like it. i think its silly that the family wants all this stuff from hawaii. why dont we just save money and they can come out and see it themselves. i fear to buy them anything because i dont feel like anyone really appreciates what i buy for them anymore.

i can't remember if i posted about how the lord has  blessed me with numerous things. first off getting that huge chunk of change back and getting all of my schooling paid and taken care of. i have money to buy food and pay rent. paying tithing is a  blessing. i have been blessed more since i got set apart to my calling as an fhe coordinator. i love it so much its such a wonderful chance for me to come out of my shell and get to plan all these fun things for my fellow students. i love it dearly. i have been blessed with patient teachers that are willing to work with me and help me understand the concept. i just need to be willing to put in the time they are and give back. i am working a little better on balancing my time and using it wisely. but sometimes i get so caught up in what im doing i forget to get much done. but i am so close to being done and the weeks go by so quickly that i can't afford to slack off any. i have so many fun thigns i wanna do before i go home, i really shoudn't have planned my ticket so far ahead but alas all should be fine. im so blessed to be able to work at the culture event and be near the prophet. ive never had this kinda of experience and im super excited, but i dont think ive really done a whole lot to prepare and im ashmed. i sometimes get so lost in being a failure i can't pull my self out to get things done.

wow so my roommate who never cleans anything just asked me to clean something becasue our kitchen is a mess. really you think so, thats why i find cockroaches in there every night. good to know, i just thought this is how it came. hmm yeah who is the one that when i first moved in here i started cleaning out the cupboards late at night when i couldn't sleep. who is the only person to sweep that floor and clean it. who is the only one who ever wipes the counters or bleaches the sink.....not her. man that really annoys me. dude i clean the whole house all the time. since i have lived here i have only seen here do dished maybe 4 times ever. man. lame she should really take some of her own adivice and clean up after her self. try cleaning the couches, sweeping the floor scrubbing the shower. please be my guest

so this week has been a trying and difficult one. i come to class on wed being a little flustered for not getting my video done on time. at the very end of class to hear that some student died. at first i was like what and for some reason it caught my attention and i wanted to know who it was to only find out it was my dear Gana. she had been sick and in the hospital for a couple of weeks and went into cardiac arrest and couldn't come out of it. she passed away tuesday night. oh my goodness i have a full week and no time to mourn the loss of a friend what am i gonna do. so i slept through a few of my classes slugged my way to the rest and tried to complete spanish all the time trying not to cry or be stuck alone for too long. it was a drastic week and i lost complete control and so i started pigging out and going out of control with what i eat and im just not that happy about this week. im so glad for a clean slate, a new month a new week and a new chance to start over. i can do my spanish and get my tutor sessions in. my gosh im falling so far behind. and i just need Gods help he is the only way ill be able to pull through. ugh

its a little lonely out here when i take the time to think about it, i only have one really good friend who has been friends with me through everything. i feel like i want better friends but i fail to be a really good friend. but my spanish is getting somewhat better, i get very self conscious when i have to read out loud and i dont really like it, and i hate be corrected by other students. ugh i hate not being able to be up to date like everyone else, it takes me so much more work than the rest of them. so many times i have wanted to quit and throw in my towel but i have come so far and just dont want to give up so easily when i am learning. i just need to keep going at this head strong. i took an anxiety screening test today, to only realize that i have way too much and that what i go through really isn't that normal. so i have an appointment but im a little nervous and not really sure what to expect. i hate talking about the past and crap back home. i just want to know how to fix it and whats wrong with me. pretty soon im gonna have a doctor for everything, they're always coming out with something new so i can perfect my self and its so hard to not want to buy in and become a perfect me. but then i think about it and how its really not worth it. i need to perfect what i have and be stronger. i love dancing i just dont think its something that im very good at though i have been trying for so long and i just don't think im getting anywhere. maybe its time to leave and find something else to love. like dive club. i really wanna give that a go and see if i can't dedicate my time to a whole new concept.

wow

wow, so people thought high school was bad, well its only bad because you can't escape, college is just as sucky, i guess i have been kicked out of my social group completely i go outside to talk to them, and well they don't really say anything to me, just drive off to go pick up carlos, i guess since he was part of the origianl group i can't come along to play games anymore. which is really too bad because i would have loved to. but sometimes lifes just not very fun and i guess im not always going to be invited to things. now i know how i make other people feel when i do this to them, it really is time to move on and turn another chapter in my life. i need to be strong carry on and do my own thing. i guess this is when we really find out what people are made of. i need to be strong and remember who i am and know that i will always be a daughter of God so its about time i start acting like one, i need to be conscience that there are people who are left out of the loop just like me, i need to spend the time getting to know them and asking them whats up instead of being a snob and too busy.

can we

how can we come together as a human race if we fail to communicate with eachother, granite some things are better left unsaid, hate ful things and extra. but if you have a problem with someone do you not feel better to get it off your chest rather than go and tell someone else. i feel better when i talk to that person, or when i talk it over with one close friend, i try not to make my problems public but i have a big mouth. i'm working very hard at it now,and keeping things to my journal or my parents. that way it doesn't come back and hit me in the face like that golf club which i think has left my head funny shaped and swollen. i have a terrible head ache on that side of the head and well it may be because i got hit so hard. who knows. oh well. one thing i do hate is how much my house mate worries and complains about certain things, its so silly. she freaked out about our landlords coming over and checking the house not that they are going to do anything. since the house looks ok. i was just like it will be ok, it will be fine. and heaven forbid they have to walk anywhere, its so hard having to walk everywhere and they get all upset when i just walk everywhere and don't bother asking for a ride. um hmm its like its ok its not a big deal and i feel more comfortable this way. i like to walk to have time to think and be left with my thoughts. i am super excited about Latino club and being the Vice president. it will be very fun getting to do something this coming school year and being a part of a club. i like to know i belong to something that has a great deal of meaning to me. i am working on moving on and not being hurt by people and their behavior, its ok i just need to learn that sometimes i am too much, and that fact that other people are too much to me, it lets me know how other people feel. if i think its not a ok thing to say, then i should not. because when it comes out, man i feel dumb. i should not comment on my friends, friends or family its too weird, i need to work on keeping the friends i have and not being so worried about other people. its ok to reconnect with people, but dont' force it.

...

i spent so much time and effort trying to keep jordan in my life to only have him leave me for good, i guess its fine and really time to move on and just let him go, clancey too and maybe even being friends with Chris people just change so much and well dont really care to keep up with me anymore, if im not there and a part of their daily lifes, they figure why care? and well i can't blame them. but i just wish that i had a friend that i could fall on and know that had my back, i know i have rach but i dont wanna ruin her now happy life, she is finally just getting things to be ok.  i did have the chance to snorkel sunset twice it was so lovely and i did get to spend time with eddie it was very sweet, i enjoyed it. i dont think i realize how lonely i am until some one comes up, and do i miss my family i guess but after a while you just learn to live with it and know that you are old enough to get over it and make it work.

late night cleaning

life, so i decided that its really not worth my time to keep people around that can't take being my friend. i know i am a very intense person and am always going non stop but thats just who i am, i try to be a good friend and i have a long way to go and need to improve upon it. i realize at times that i am social awkard and sometimes don't really know how to act, and im so use to people blaming me for anything that goes wrong or does not turn out the way its suppose to i have almost come to expect it and just be like ok. its so worthless feeling sorry for myself after watching that amazing movie i can't i have so much, even though my mother has an odd way of dealing with life, at least shes alive and healthy as far as i can tell. although i can really only remember happy moments with my father of my childhood i still love my mom and know that she loves me. i should know better by now to stay up too late and watch movies that are going to make me cry because then i just become a big al sappy mess. but i have to make something great out of my life, to show to everyone that im not a waste, to show my teachers that their work did do some good for me. i want my siblings to follow in my footsteps and want to get their schooling done too, i feel like i need to stay here and get my bachelores. even if its not what i want it in anymore, i need to stop transfering schools and messing around, i have my whole life to figure things out but i need to get my basics, done i need to be strong and know the lord does have a plan i just need to be ready and willing to accept what he has to offer for me. i can't afford not to take in the lords blessings. i need to take on the world with him at my side. for i am weak and can not do these things alone.

jogging

so i pretty much just crashed at the house all day and did nothing, i finished up my online homework and attempted to do my reading and finish all that up , but i just couldn't keep my eyes open it was ridiculous so i feel asleep, but then convinced the roomies to get pizza, yummy so good, i went for a nice long walk along the beach, and found a cute friend named bobby. he was a tiny little crab and i picked him up and he tried pinching me. Pero mi fingers es grande el cound not. it was funny and kinda cute and he tried to defend himself, well i went walking and even climbed up the stairs to run into freds son whatever his name is. very nice kid and i m sure hes swell to hang out with, but the fact that hes freds son just freaks me out a little bit so i can't really find my self cooing up to him for company.  i picked some crap out the ocean it was gross this one area was just a little swampy nasty piece it freaked me out but i tried to pull the trash out.

happy yet disappointed in life

is it possible that you can be happy for your friends to have a bf or gf, but yet be upset because you realize that you lose value to them as a friend. now that they have some one special they no longer really wanna spend time with anyone else. i think its great that they are that much closer to getting married, but do you really have to forget about your friends. i suppose that if you have friends like that, who will no longer keep tabs with you because they find someone else you should get new ones, but its so hard to keep people around these days. i am a difficult person and i can only be taken in like baby bits. its sad to think but true, i guess i realize who i am and am really not willing to change it. i realized on my lovely walk home that i smelled a wif of kansas so sweet that it brought tears to my eyes. im grateful to not want to spend my weekends getting drunk and being loud that the cops have to come and ask us to leave, although it would be fun to be wild i think its better that i just do my simple thing now. i long for that moment when i have someone who wants to ask my to a dance even if it is just a friend. i long for the day when some one asks me to something because they enjoy my company. i realized that i have only been on about 3 dates. two of which really meant nothing the third one was fun but weird and a little intense. i wish to be back in kansas just taking my walks with my boys and go back to the way things  were. but it will never be the same. i wish for what i had, how heart broken i am knowing that i will never talk to some of these people again.

should i

its rather a silly thought, but truth be told i feel a little left out when i ask one of my friends to do something but she already has plans and then i find out one of my other friends got to go with them and i didn't. should  i feel weird or upset, no its silly and childish. its so odd how certain ppl myself included will react to circumstances we are not really prepared for. its just not something that i would like tot think, that while im trying to include new people to have fun and have a great time are going around having one without me, and not inviting me. i sometimes feel that i am too much for people to even want to be friends with me. which in truth is just poor judgment on my part of my actions. i need to make a vow to do what i say and say what i do and then act upon it. the last thing anyone wants is someone doubting their word, when indeed i can keep secrets and will always come through if needed. i hate making promises that i am unsure if i can keep. God keeps his word so why can't i try and be more like him. the most important thing anyone can remember is to stay in context. if the subject that is  a little iffy to the other person is not brought up by them don't bring it up. big mistake i think just because it has been mentioned once its far game when this is not so. i need to learn to keep things in the right situation and know no two people really think a like.

my thoughts on birthdays

while i have not been a big fan of my birthdays these part few years, i love to celebrate other peoples. i think its so fun and exciting. what some people do for birthdays. its always interesting to see what young adults or kids will do for their birthdays away from home and if they ever tell anyone about it. i personal don't mention it a whole lot, but i know i am a little upset when i miss someone Else's because they never said a word.  Even if all i can offer is a simple hand made card or a birthday wish. i love to make cakes and attend party's for other people in their honor, on their special day. i think i have it glued in my mind that everyone deserves a surprise birthday party, it could be that child hood memory of wanting to throw one for a friend or being told that i would get one. or it could be the fact that in high school i wanted to throw one for a boyfriend but i didn't feel comfortable doing and in turn did it for a good friend. well the boyfriend was cruel and did not approve of this and let me know it. he told me i couldn't have it at my house so we did it else where, and guess what he wasn't invited. i have no idea why anyone thinks i need permission to do what pleases me. how silly. well whatever it is i find my self preparing for a party this Friday. i am very excited and hope all plans for his party fall through. not to say crash but fall into place and that he has no clue. if for no other reason in the world do i have the need for money its now, i wish i could buy a huge pinate or rent a boat or something cool and amazing but i can't so instead i will use my crazy imagination and make something from scratch.